Choices, Consequences & High Expectations

“Now the word of the LORD came to Jonah the son of Amittai, saying, 'Arise, go to Nineveh, that great city, and call out against it, for their evil has come up before me.' But Jonah rose to flee to Tarshish from the presence of the Lord.” – Jonah 1:2-3a

Hello Dear Friend,

Have you ever been deliberately disobedient and actively chose to go against the words that God asked of you? I often wonder how many detour roads I've put myself on in life because I've chosen to walk the opposite way from the road I should have been on. Sure, the journey itself hasn't been all that bad but still certain courses and actions have left me to wonder. 

I remember that one early morning during the summer of last year. July was ending and I was spending some quiet time reading my devotions and digging in the word before work. Everything that I was reading that morning was about obedience and I could feel God pressing into me. My take away from everything I had read was this; If you want to know what the Lord is doing in your life, obey Him. Obey Him even when it doesn't seem to make sense. Rest assured that all He does is purposeful and for your benefit. God is orchestrating a beautiful plan for you. So step forward in faith and experience His loving care.  

I remember knowing that even though I didn't know what it was that I needed to be obedient about exactly, that it was definitely timely. About half an hour later I felt the stir in my spirit. "Give me a year." The gentle voice whispered. My mind flashed back to about a month prior when I had heard those same exact words on my commute into work but at the time I didn't want to hear them and the words became a fleeting thought.

That morning in July was different though, I heard those four simple words loud and clear and I argued with God. He silenced me and said the words again, "Give me a year. Get off the dating sites. Stop looking, stop fighting, stop trying to make something happen by your own hands and let Me work. Just stop. You have no idea the plans that I've orchestrated for you." 

That day I deleted my accounts and profiles I'd made on various dating apps and had every intention of doing exactly what God had instructed. I was excited and expectant to see how He would move in my life over the course of the next year. I even began to create a "bucket list" of sorts, writing down things that I wanted to do when it was just me and God.    

But then November came along and I found myself deliberately going against what God had asked of me. I knew I shouldn't but I did it anyway, I started to pursue a guy. Exact opposite of what God was telling me and what I knew, "Let Me bring the right guy to you, let him pursue you." But I was inpatient in my singleness so instead I plucked the "guy stuff" out of God's hands and put it all back in my own.

Long story short, a few months went by and what happened with this guy seems to be what always happens. He was super interested in the beginning and then there was a change in his texts and communication. Come to find out he had decided to be exclusive with someone else. Seems to be par for the course when it comes to my lack of a  relationship.

After he told me there was someone else, my thoughts dwelled on it for a bit. Even though I'm genuinely happy for him I couldn't help but think, "Why does this always happen to me?" 

"You weren't obedient," Came the reply. "How can you expect me to bless you when you went against what I asked of you?" Talk about a God slap. Unfortunately, that wasn't even the only God slap I received that day but you'll have to hear about that in another letter at a later date.

“Open the door and show me your face tonight. I know it's true, no one heals me like you and you hold the key.”  – Sheryl Crow, I Shall Believe

Later that evening I was trying to turn down the noise in my head and sleep but my mind wouldn't rest and sleep wouldn't come. So I allowed myself to full get submerged in all of the emotions. God was touching and moving in several areas of my life, not just my singleness. At some point while I was trying to separate my thoughts and emotions into various categories and sort out the different God thoughts that were being planted on my mind and in my heart I heard the following words, "Stay in your singleness." 

It's probably important for me to pause and tell you that I had just heard a sermon two days before that night and the entire sermon was all about staying in faith. One of the major points was instead of being called to go in faith what if God is telling you to stay in faith? So up until the words "Stay in your singleness" were planted in me I wasn't exactly sure what the take away was from that sermon for me personally.

After hearing "Stay in your singleness," I did what anyone who just heard what they didn't want to hear would do. I cried and complained and argued. I argued with God and I let the realization that I had been ignoring for some time fully come to the surface. 

I was disappointed in God. I was discontent with God. Yeah, I said it. To be honest, I still am and it's something I'm trying to work on. Yes, the reason why I buried that thought and wouldn't speak it out loud is because it's shameful. And I'm not talking shameful to admit to another person, it feels shameful to say it out loud and admit it to God. 

How do you go before the God of the universe, the God that has been so good to you, blessed you in so many ways and saved and delivered you from the enemies grasp and tell Him that you are disappointed in Him and what He's doing in your life? How do you confess that you're disappointed that He hasn't brought the guy into your life or the babies that you prayed and believed for? How do you tell Him that you're losing faith and that you're questioning if He can and will make it happen when you know your biological clock is ticking and most available guys you meet just want to have some fun?

Okay, I've derailed a little bit and got lost in a thought and confession but I'm going to leave it in there because I feel like it's for someone other than solely me. Maybe I'll dive into that thought a little deeper in another letter sometime. 

"Stay in your singleness." He whispered.

"I don't want to! I don't want to be single!" I answered angerly and desperately as I wiped my tearstained face.

"Learn to be content in your singleness." He responded. 

Honestly, I don't remember what happened after that aside from more tears, seeing a few history flashes of my life, and me finally falling asleep. I do remember the next morning though while I was getting ready for work and lost in the thought of how to learn to be content in my singleness when singleness is the one thing I don't want. God gave me flashbacks to a few particular scenes in my past, moments that have helped to form part of my beautiful history as if to say, "Don't you remember? Remember those times that I asked you to do something you didn't want to do but you were obedient and you did it anyway? Remember the ways I blessed you through your obedience? What makes you think that I won't do it again?" 

GOD SLAP!!!

I've muddled my way through these musings and ramblings to basically say that I'm not sure if my previous disobedience means that God's request to give Him a year has had a hard reset and that the beginning of that year restarted back March or not. But I will say, that I'm trying my hardest to resist the urge to try to control my circumstances and sway things in the direct that I'd prefer that they go. Yes, it's a fight to adopt the Christian cliche, "Let go and let God," and put it into practice in this area of my life but I'm working on it. 

As I finish up this letter I'm left with another God thought that I won't share just yet. I think I'll save it for now and take some time to ponder it for myself. 

With love,

a Poetic Soul