Secrets & Lies

“I've been dirtier than You wanna know. I've left earlier than You'll ever know.” – Aaron Gillespie (Lead singer for The Almost), Dirty And Left Out

Hello Dear Friend,

Tortured. Tormented. Possessed. These are all words that could be used to describe my adolescence. For most of my childhood, all my teens, and into my early twenties I lived in a world stuck in the bondage that fear brought. Why? Because somewhere in my childhood, I became its host. From a very early age this demonic spirit found a way into my life and took root. 

So, what does it feel like to be possessed by a demonic spirit? Well, it’s a life filled with secrets and lies. It’s like a tick that attaches itself to you, feeds off you, and poisons you in the process. As it’s life source it latches onto you and produces a toxic venom that seeps its way in and grows roots. This spirit is rooted in lies. Lies and deceit coming from a place of darkness that pulls you in and sucks you into the deep realm from which it came.   

You’ve seen the Netflix hit original series Stranger Things, right? You remember everything that was happening to Will? First when he was taken and held hostage by the monster in the “The Upside Down”, then you see how he hosted the monster and even in recent episodes we see evidence of how he can feel when it is near. Well, what has been going on and happening to Will’s character throughout the Stranger Things series gives you just a glimpse of what it looks and feels like to be possessed by the enemy.  

Growing up, I was very much aware that I was hosting this spirit. My parents, brother, grandmother and a few others knew as well. I had been prayed for, prayed over, and it had been subject of conversation that had been talked about with me throughout my life. But still my deliverance hadn’t come. Because of the spirit that held me captive, early on, I learned how to hide, I hid how just how bad it actually was.  

Fear plagued me and held me captive for years, but few knew about it and those that did, well, they didn’t really know. I learned how to deceive people and keep hidden just how much fear controlled my world. The enemy made me feel ashamed, he made feel me timid, he made me feel like I had something wrong with me - something that irritated my parents, so I began to hide it from them as best as I could but all the while I lived in torment.    

One of the big things for me regarding fear and being in the captivity of fear is that I was afraid of touching certain things (like things that had mouse poop on them, or when the anthrax scare occurred after 9/11 I was afraid to touch the mail) and of germs to this day I’m somewhat of a germaphobe. I can remember continuously asking, “I touched – etcetera, etcetera, - am I okay?”  I asked this question countless times a day, to which I realized, by the response I would get, how much this aggravated and irritated my parents. So, I stopped asking but I didn’t stop wondering. I washed my hands with scalding hot water multiple times a day until my hands were severely chapped and so red that they looked like they were sunburned. 

There were things I didn’t do, places I didn’t go, words I didn’t say, friends I didn’t have, and experiences that I missed out on all because fear controlled my life. 

“The girl who seemed unbreakable, broke. She dropped the fake smile and whispered, 'Jesus, I can't do this anymore.' And He replied, 'Daughter, I never wanted you to, I've been waiting for you to let Me carry you.'”  – Unknown

I still remember the night when I was praying with my roommate in our living room for my deliverance. I was 22 and it was November 2009 just before Thanksgiving when the Spirit of Fear finally detached itself from my life.  

Now although I lived with this spirit please do not misunderstand, I’ve been a child of God for as a long as I can remember. I gave my life over to Him as a young child and later rededicated my life to Him at the age of 12. Ever since I was a little kid, I’ve had a real, ever growing and ever changing, lasting relationship with God.  

My relationship with God is why and how my deliverance from this demonic spirit happened. If I hadn’t been obedient to God I would have missed my blessing and been sent on a detour and quite possibly still be living with the Spirit of Fear.  

In the months leading up to that day in November, I was under spiritual attack to the point of crying out to God in the dead of night after several nights of dealing with the most recent spiritual attack – insomnia. I can remember asking God if moving to Louisiana (where I was currently living) had been a mistake, and/or if I had heard Him wrong regarding that move, and if I wasn’t supposed to be there. 

“The true test of your faith is when you don't understand anything at all and still trust God.”  – Unknown

“What?” I remember asking, “What do You want from me?” Instantly God answered me, it was loud and clear and not at all what I wanted to hear in that moment. But I was mature enough in my faith even at 22 years old that I knew I had to be obedient.   

His answer to my question was four simple words. That’s it, just four words. No further explanation just four simple words, “I want you here.” 

So, I stayed. Not know why or how long, I stayed. Not only did I stay, but my response to God in that moment was, “Okay. Then I will stay until You tell me I can leave.” Followed along with more tears and heartache. But had I not stayed through the trial I wouldn’t have received the blessing of deliverance or at the very least it would have been delayed.  

The deliverance that was given to me on that late Autumn night will be 16 years ago this November. I’ve been freed from it almost as long as I carried it. Since my Spiritual breakthrough back in April, the Holy Spirit has revealed to me that the Spirit of Fear attached itself to me around the same time that my root lie took hold (please read A Wicked Masquerade so that you can fully understand what I mean by root lie).  

Although I was delivered from Fear long before my breakthrough back in April, I’ve realized the hold I’ve continued to allow it to have. Here’s the sneaky thing about demonic spirits, they often come at you like a small gang. Like with any gang there’s a leader, this is the spirit that has latched itself onto you and is your biggest problem but in addition to that dominate spirit there are usually others that are piggybacking off and are attached to the main spirit. With Fear, some accompanied associates tend to include the Spirit of Doubt and the Spirit of Anxiety.   

“The devil cannot stop God from answering your prayers but he can stop you from praying those prayers; DON'T LET HIM!”  – Unknown

I can still replay the thoughts that the enemy was planting in my head moments before praying and being delivered from the Spirit of Fear. Doubt crept into my mind saying things like, “What if it doesn’t work? You’ve been here before. Remember? You’ve prayed this prayer before, it doesn’t work! You can’t get delivered from this and that’s okay, you’ve learned how to live with it. It’s not that bad. It’s not like it’s killing you.” Anxiety had me feeling like, What was the point? I was beginning to get nervous to pray. Would God hear me? Would He answer me? Or would I continue on just as before?

Lies, screts, deceit, and strongholds all being used by Satan as a last-ditch effort to keep me bound in his evil grip. But in the same moment that he was whispering those lies in my ear I was given what I refer to as a God Slap in the face by the Holy Spirit which silenced Satan’s words and made them powerless. “Are you kidding?” came another whisper from a different voice, “Of course you want to be delivered! Of course you want to be set free! Why are you hesitating? Why are you questioning this? This is what you've been waiting for.” And that night, I prayed a prayer that changed my life. 

Recently I’ve realized that I’ve knowingly allowed the Spirit of Doubt and the Spirit of Anxiety to stay encamped around me even after my deliverance from the Spirit of Fear. But as the Lord has been cleaning up house in my heart and life those two spirits have been brought to light in a way that now has me facing them. In this current season of my life the evidence of how I’ve let these two spirits dictate my moves has become impossible to ignore. It’s taken me longer to get here than I want to admit but in the past few weeks it’s as if God has woken me up and stirred up something within me while saying, “It’s time. It’s time for you to start fighting, girl. You are My child and My warrior and now it’s time for you to step into the battle. You’ve been watching from the sidelines for long enough. You’re ready. I’m with you. Stand up and fight.”    

In the past couple weeks I feel like I’ve put on my armor, some invisible boxing gloves and stepped into an invisible ring to take my place in a spiritual fight that everyone else is ignorant to. It’s personal and it goes beyond what can be seen by the human eye.  

I fight, not just for myself but for others as well. Here's the truth hidden in the lies... you were never meant to live in darkness. As a child of God, you were never meant to live your life in an endless state of depression. You were never created to live your life in a posture of defeat. You weren’t created to live guilty, condemned, and confused by all the lies whispered in your ear by the enemy. You were never created to live your life ashamed. And you were never created to believe the lie that you are unworthy. Unworthy? Ha! God never said you were unworthy. God never left you behind and abandoned, in fact, He goes out of His way to find you. Unworthy, what a deceitful lie, if you were unworthy God wouldn't have sent God His Son to this earth to die for you.  

When you find yourself in the hard and dark days don’t listen to the lies, remember whose you are. Because you were created and forgiven out of a love that the world, try as it might, can never understand. My friend, you were created to be free. You were created to be confident. You were created to be a Spiritual warrior. You were created to be victorious. And if God were to write you a love letter it would probably go something like this: 

My Dear Warrior,

Son/Daughter, your pain is not wasted. Please understand, I am using every tear you’ve cried, I'm using every trial you endure to fuel a passion in you that’s so undeniable that it does something great for My Kingdom. Find comfort, dear one, when you face your darkest hour. Don’t forget to praise Me through the storm. Don’t forget to look for Me in the painful places you’re in. Don’t worry, My child, I won’t allow you to stay there for too long. Soon you will see the work that I am doing in you and through you. You see, dear one, I’ve carved something so beautiful in you that your character shines in darkness for the world to see. The good works that I’m doing in you will draw not just you but others closer to Me. You are precious and you are Mine. The love I have for you no man can measure, the lengths I’m willing to go through to get you can’t be imagined. I will shake the earth if that’s what it takes to find you. And never forget, I sent My only Son for you, He went to Hell and back to see the chains of the enemy fall off you and crumble to the ground. 

All My love,

The God who sees your pain, The Lord who feels your suffering. 

“I prayed to the LORD, and he answered me. He freed me from all my fears. Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces. In my desperation I prayed, and the LORD listened; he saved me from all my troubles. For the angel of the LORD is a guard; he surrounds and defends all who fear him.”  – Psalm 34:4-7

With love,

a Poetic Soul