Hold Me Now

"From glass alabaster she poured out the depths of her soul. O foot of Christ would you wait if her harlotries known? Falls a tear to darken the dirt of humblest offerings to forgive the hurt. She is strong enough to stand in your love. I can hear her say – I am weak. I am poor. I’m broken Lord but I’m yours. Hold me now…” - Jennifer Knapp, Hold Me Now

Hello Dear Friend,

So I’m feeling it lately. It's that weight of the world being heaped onto the shoulders of the faithful few. Brick by brick the weight grows heavier causing your back to bend and as your shoulders fall into a hunch it feels like your muscles were stripped away so that you're baring all that weight on nothing but a skeleton frame. No rest for the weary. No strength for the weak. No healing for the broken. You’re just running on empty with no safe house in sight.

Ever have those days when it seems like your Satan’s punching bag? I know you have. I’m right there with you. I think it’s safe to say that I’m burnt out. My system is all out of whack and I’ve been forced to function on less and less sleep for over a month now. These days my weary bones seem to be running on fumes and I’ve recently come to believe that it’s due to some kind of spiritual battle that’s currently underway. The enemy has found out how to get to me. I can almost hear his hissing voice whispering to his minions – Take away her sleep and see how she fairs. After you’ve stripped her of her rest: Fear, Worry, Anxiety, Doubt, you’ll go and plant your seeds back into her mind…

I’ve found myself teary-eyed on several occasions this week. Sporting my tear-stained face like it’s the latest fashion trend I’ve come to face the Lord each time the tears come spilling out from the deep. Most of them are caused from the state of exhaustion but some are due to fear of the unknown. Others come from self-destruction and self-pity, while still a few more spill from pain and heartache. Regardless of their cause I hear myself pleading my own version of that song I quoted above. In the earliness of the morning or the in the darkness of the evening something, usually a song, will trigger my emotions and I’ll start to cry out my feelings to the Lord, "Lord, I’m tired and I’m weary. I feel broken. I can’t keep going on like this much longer, I can’t take much more. I’m in pain and I just need some relief."

Yep, I’m weak, I’m poor and I’m broken. But even in my weakness, I find myself in a state of worship because even though I feel like I’m at my weakest point I’m strong enough to stand in Christ’s love. These days I force myself out of bed each morning as if to say, "not today Satan." I go about pouring some coffee into my cup and start my day reading my Bible. I’m not going to lie, lately its super tempting to just stay in bed for another 30 minutes getting those much needed extra Zzz’s. But I know that if I did that, if I hit the snooze button, then I'd just be giving into my flesh and giving into the enemy. That is a cost I’m not willing to pay. So, although there have been a number of times over the past several weeks that I’ve fought the urge to fall asleep at my desk (yeah it has become a legit problem) and pull myself out of the brain fog I continue to go through the motions of putting a smile on my face and trying to mask just how bad it really is as I make it through another day.

Every day I make a choice. I decide that through my joy and through my pain I will rejoice. No matter what the day or the season looks like I belong to God. Even on the days that I struggle and the helplessness comes like a heavy weight I know the One who holds me. Every day that I stumble and fumble my way through this maze of grace God makes His presence known to me. Most of the time it’s no louder than a whisper in a moment or a thing so minor that it goes unnoticed to most.

I’ve got scrapes and burns, scars and bruises just like everybody. There are days that I look down to find a new mark and I’m left to wonder how the heck it got there. But through all the black and blue and all the scrapes and bruises, I’m left with the undeniable truth that I’m His. Even when I feel like I’m going it alone I know that He holds me. On the days I feel that I have no more fight in me, He brings me shelter and relief as I hide behind the cross. So it’s in seasons like this that I’m constantly on the lookout for my daily series of grace moments as I put my trust and my hope in Jesus, my Deliverer and Defender.

With love,

a Poetic Soul