A Better Me

“Forget perfection, I'm just focusing on making some progress.” – Unknown

Hello Dear Friend,

I believe it was sometime in late October, maybe early November when I first started having two words reoccur in my mind. Those words, I felt as we entered into the holiday season, were instructed by God as to what I needed to pour myself into for the upcoming year. And so, I began 2025 with two simple words that would become my focus for the “new” year.

As 2024 came to a close I kept having two words echo in my heart. The first was prayer. I kept feeling the nudge from God that I needed to put some serious focus on my prayer life and get it together. The second word that started to weigh on my heart also began with the letter "P". God was urging me to focus on people or more accurately, His people. I’ve realized for a while now that I need to work at building my relationships and a community. 

So why haven’t you heard from me in over a month?  

Since I had made all these declarations of how 2025 would be the year that I reclaimed my life and focused on becoming the best version of myself, I shouldn’t have been surprised that the year started out with me feeling like my worst self. Yes, I had formed a course of action that I was excited about pursuing but shortly after starting off the new year, I found myself in battle against spiritual warfare that left me numb. I was empty and broken. Feelings of exhaustion and defeat washed over me like a tidal wave and as the enemies lies clouded my mind, I could feel myself beginning to fall down the slippery slope of depression. 

Even still, with those two “P” words on my mind, I had started out the year with a couple of new 4–5-week, bible studies. One focused on worship while the other focused on cultivating community. I was going through the motion of faithfully sticking with my reading and studying but due to the spiritual battle raging inside me I wasn’t really putting what I was reading into practice. To be honest, my prayer life was lacking even though I knew I needed to pray, I couldn’t find the will to want to. Even though I knew I needed to focus on building my relationships, I wanted nothing to do with people. We had entered into the second half of January when I found myself in a bad weekend, well a bad weekend by my standards at least.  

Emotional and stuck in my head I quickly realized that I needed help so I sought the comfort, counsel, and prayers from my parents. That decision to confide in the people closest to me started the change I needed to put me back on my course. I knew my parents were keeping me in their prayers as I entered into the work week that followed and by the weeks end, I was beginning to feel more like myself and beginning to see the girl I recognized staring back at me in the mirror. 

Prayer and people, sounds simple enough but I knew that these were two areas in my life that were in desperate need for some attention. This week I’ve found that excitement I started out the year with and I’ve begun the deep dive toward truly activating my prayer life and working on pursuing the presence of people.  

Prayer & People

Prayer. Admittedly, far too often my prayers sound more like a wish list to a genie then a prayer to the God that created and governs the universe. Or, even worse, dare I say, my prayers are rehearsed. Yep, I’m a culprit for going to God with the same prayer every morning on my drive in to work. I tend to think of my prayer time more like a chore than a blessing as I race through it like an actor running through their lines for the latest episode in the sitcom series that they star in.  

But Jesus is a primary example of how we should live our life. Jesus prayed all the time. All the time He was in constant communication with His Father. Jesus remains the perfect example to show how to put prayer into practice. Likewise, I’m realizing that I need to focus more on the pursuit of practicing prayer.

Too often I fall short. Failing to see what my prayer life is truly about. My prayers are direct communication with the God that created me and the Father who loves me. My prayers are direct communication with the Jesus that saved me and delivered me from my sins. My prayers are direct communication with the Holy Spirit who intercedes for me when the only words I can muster past my lips are “God, I don’t know...”, He prays on my behalf speaking the words I can’t seem to find in that moment.  

A few things that I’m being reminded of as I begin to actively pursue my prayer life is that first and foremost, prayer is an act of worship. Afterall, we were created to have worship and have communion with God. And prayer is one of the greatest forms of worship that we can express. We should pray with a heart of thanksgiving and gratitude always, no matter the circumstance. In regards to focusing on intentionally living out my best life I need to remember the importance of praying for myself – this should be simple but for some reason I forget to pray for myself in the way that I expect others to be praying on my behalf. Likewise, my prayer focus should also be on others and their needs. Praying for them in the same manner and with the same passion as I’d hope for someone to be praying for me. 

Which brings me to my second focus for the year, people.  

Creating a community and building relationships is easier said than done for this little introverted heart. I’ve always been one to find comfort and energy in my own solitude but as God said when He formed Adam, “It’s not good for man to be alone.”  

I’ve done pretty well at closing myself off to people since somewhere in my childhood. Throughout the years I’ve tried to build myself a network of people who are my core people. But those networks have all been seasonal. There again, being an introvert hasn’t helped me in that since with each network that has fizzled out the same questions arise each time, “What’s the point? I’ll spend a couple of years creating another network and after a while they’re just going to leave too. So why try again?” 

Eventually I got tired, I gave up, and stopped trying. Now, I find myself entering into the lifestyle that’s just a few mere steps away from that of a hermit. Sure, I go to work and I have good work friends who I go to lunch with everyday, vent to, and confide in but aside from my parents who I hang out with on a regular basis, that’s all I have. I have no community once I leave work. With my parents being the exception, I talk to no one, I hang out with no one in the evenings and on the weekends.  

Here is the truth that has become my reality throughout more recent years, I’ve always been an introvert by nature but somewhere along the way I became a loner by choice. I know it’s unhealthy but even still that’s where I’ve found myself.  

People are important and I know that but even with the knowledge of that truth, I’ve done horribly at practicing the presence of people. I blame it on being and introvert and as such by the time I finish engaging with the “Have To's” and “Must Do’s” during work hours I no longer have the energy and find myself way too tired to interact and engage with anyone in my spare time on a personal level. Excuse.  

For years I’ve lived in the mindset that I don’t need friends, acquaintances are enough. All the while I’m making up excuses in my head about not wanting to invest in people who will eventually leave while forgetting one important thing. God made us for friendship. Not only that, but He spent everything He had to be my friend. He sacrificed everything willfully to be my friend. He gave His only Son to die in my place in the hope of having a relationship with me. Why? Because He created me first and foremost to have friendship with Him and I need that friendship with Him before I can truly be satisfied and learn to be friends with others.  

Relationships take time and they take sacrifice. While sometimes solitude is beneficial it’s not good to spend all your spare time alone. Shared faith-based relationships are not only important but necessary. They help shape us into a better version of ourselves by challenging us to grow in our faith, strengthening us by sharpening our sword, agreeing with us in prayer, encouraging us in our weakness, and helping to teach us to love like God loves. 

In closing, I want to challenge you as I challenge myself. Pray like Jesus prays and with the same love that God shows you everyday of your existence, love people.   

“Be such a beautiful soul that people crave your vibes.”  – Unknown

With love,

a Poetic Soul